You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
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