Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
