I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
