Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
