TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
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Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
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Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
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