Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
