I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
