Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
