and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
organizing the empties. That sober.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
