marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
