you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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