My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
