Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
