Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
