wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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