I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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