got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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