Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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