I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever