How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
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the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
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Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
The power of my boobs compel you