What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I need to sanitize my soul.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
