He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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