the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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