just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
