and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Randomize
