it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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