Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
