Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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