Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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