I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
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You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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