im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
