Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Randomize
