I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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