i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
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My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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