Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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