i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
