I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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