When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
