I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
