Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
