Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
