I got chris browned last night
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
