I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize