i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
