Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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