do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
