And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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