apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
