So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
