All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Can you repeat that, but with context?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
