hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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