Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
