So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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