shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
