apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
