She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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