gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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