Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
