Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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