We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
