I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
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its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
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You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
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